Thursday, April 29, 2010

Help. I've fallen and I can't get up.

Artists are quite often known for being manic depressives. I've hit the downswing here.

My short film "Do You Want to Go Out?" was rejected from DeadCenter. I even entered in the Oklahoma category. The logic being that because I knew what sound was, because I actually used some professional equipment, that I'd be a shoe-in. And I wasn't.

It could be because I turned in a half finished product. One that was too long in the beginning and too sloppy in the end. A version with no soundtrack, uneven color, easily corrected mistakes left in, and well... let's face it folks... bad  sound. All those things I can tell myself, but I really don't know what they thought. It sucks to be rejected.

Especially after my last short some 4 years ago was dreadfully low quality. Especially to know that unless you are in a film festival you won't get sincere criticism, you just get a lot of "Oh that was good," junk. When it's an objective crowd, they really are judging your film - and it's gut-wrenching to hear, "not good enough" - especially when you're competing with a limited crowd. It's devastating to not be able to produce content but once every two years and know that you didn't live up to the standard that was created from successes in college. 


It's like I'm a brilliant director stuck inside the body of a lame producer. My producer won't let me do work, my producer won't line things up to keep me going.

And to know, that I chose a path that meant I had to be good every time- and often -or I would be doomed to doubleA ball with never a shot at The Show. I'm that pitcher who's mom made him go to college instead of taking the draft and he ended up throwing out his arm.

More than anything, I just needed a win.

Not sure why I looked to a film festival for the win in the first place. But sometimes you need confirmation that you belong. Even when you've had that moment 20x before. Even when you've stood next to giants.

Maybe my film WAS rejected because it's not good as a half-done, but that continues to be my excuse. Limited resources/access/time. I keep tweaking "that", I keep waiting to get "this" right. Others do it, they do it all, they get work done. I don't get it, but,


It's like I'm a brilliant producer with a whiny prima donna director stuck inside. The auerture won't shut up and make the movie, he needs his latte to be correct, he needs his space to be clear.